March 7, 2002
  the trouble with going steady

The Guy is worried about my propensity for biting the things I love.

The people I love.

No, sorry, not my family. People outside my family.

Not friends.

Specifically, the Guy is worried about my propensity for biting, well, him.

(Get your mind out of the gutter.)

It's an interesting phenomenon, and since I've never had a boyfriend before, I can't tell if it's a Thing that's unique solely to me, or if it's somehow related to the whole being-in-love experience. The only thing that I'm perfectly sure of is that when I'm around the Guy, my teeth itch. Not in the unpleasant, 'I Hate You, You Vaginal Blood Clot on the Sanitary Pad of Humanity' way, mind you. It's more in the 'Gosh I'm Happy, Let's Gnaw on Him' way.

I suspect that there are a lot of things about me that set off his self-preservation alarms, but none of them gets quite so noisy a claxon as this particular habit. Unless, that is, it's that other urge I have to tickle him while he's driving on the freeway.

If he weren't stronger than I am and prone to running away shrieking like a little girl every time I eye his arms -- he persists on wearing short sleeves, and is that my fault? -- I suspect that at this point in our relationship his arms would be covered with perfect little semicircle bruises from where I've been gnawing on him. I have no idea why I have this urge. This is a normal thing, right? Women just like to do that sort of thing, right? This isn't a result of having read the occasional vampire mystery novel and not eating beef regularly, right? This is a biological imperative passed down through the ages from monogamous women who used to feel the need to mark their men, right?

Hm. It's starting to disturb me, too.

Dating is full of these little social traps that I would probably never fall into if I weren't dating. For instance, how does one introduce one's boyfriend at a party where he doesn't know anybody? As "my boyfriend"? Or by his name? Is one supposed to get jealous if he looks at other women? Is it inappropriate to point out beautiful women to him? Is it inappropriate to admire a random man who is aesthetically pleasing in his presence? Should I demand jewelry? What if I don't like jewelry? Should he be buying me flowers at Costco when I'm the one who owns the membership?

Also, one doesn't have the following sorts of conversations when one isn't dating.

"I love you. You're like that poppy plastic packing material you use for fragile things."

". . ."

"You're not going to say thank you?"

"I'm not sure. I'm trying to figure out if that was a compliment."

"It was."

"Does that mean I'm round? Or that I'm comforting?"

Communication is suddenly a big thing. The Guy, being considerate, always asks me if he's attentive enough, or around enough, or if we go out enough. It never occurs to me that he might not be doing everything exactly right. What the hell do I have to compare with? In the meantime, I, being an egotist, (not to be confused with "egoist"), assume that I'm doing everything perfectly and . . . wait. It just hit me. When he asks me those questions, is that a hint for me to ask the same thing back so he can answer in the negative?

Make note: ask the Guy.

On top of that, there's the morbid fear of being cute, God forbid, something that would make my friends laugh for years. I used to watch sitcoms and be utterly disgusted by the squeaky cuteness of couples. ("No, you hang up." -- "No, you hang up." -- "You first." -- "No, you first.")

Now I find myself doing the exact same thing with the Guy.

"Good-night."

"Good-night."

pause

"Hang up."

"No, you hang up."

"You hang up first."

"Okay."

click.

Isn't it nauseating?