bean-o

Kermit the Frog's signature song --- "It's Not Easy Being Green" (1970) --- was initially titled "It's Not Easy Being a Disenfranchised Minority Group."

       From Rough Draft, by Modern Humorist.

***

Today's title is brought to you by my sister, who -- well, I'll let her tell you later, at the bottom of the page. (Bottom. Hah.)

I've been faxing her regular email bulletins to my mother as I receive them, since Mom neither has nor understands the concept of email, except as a fax without the ringing sound and the beeps. Since she relies on the ringing and the beeps to tell her that a fax has actually been received, she sees little use for a computer, leaving me to print out any important emails that she really needs to see.

Basically, I have become a digital medium between the living, connected world and the Electronic Dead, aka Mom. Normal, more business-oriented mediums get paid for translating messages from the Real Dead. Sometimes they even get their own television shows. However, the Electronic Dead apparently don't understand Paypal, so I'm inadequately recompensed by periodic phone calls during which Mom asks for help writing a letter in English, wants to know why I let my sister sleep in an active volcano, and how 'Sako learned French.

The one upside to all this is that my sister and I have finally established that our standing in Mom's affections is directly related to our proximity. The further away we are, the shinier our halos. When Sako lived in San Francisco, her apartment was half an hour closer to my mother in Seattle. Back then, I was the Good Daughter. Phone calls were equally divided between one-sided lectures about Being Good, and gently grieving commentary about my sister's sins.

Now the tables have turned. My sister, who camps in live volcanos, refuses to graduate, has no job, disappears for weeks at a time into randomly selected countries and continents, and incidentally worries the crap out of her family, is the Good Daughter. Me, graduate, employed, safely engaged to a hard-working and charming guy, I'm the Bad Daughter.

My sister is deeply satisfied by this. I suppose it's her turn. She's been the Bad Daughter for a long time.

Mom: "I don't know where she gets it. She is so crazy."

Me: "You, Mom. She gets it from you."

Mom: "No no, not from me. I was a very good daughter. I worked very hard, I studied very hard, I helped my mother...."

Me: "You ran away from school, Mom. You ran away from school and lived in the Japanese Alps for months. They had to pry you off the mountain with a tin can opener. There are actual movies of you climbing around in the mountains like a freakin' goat."

Mom: "But it was the Japanese Alps. Japanese!"

Genes don't lie.

***

After three days in my purse, the fluffy little white sock has finally been removed. It is now living on the living room table, where it is making friends with fluffy little grey lint and fluffy little brown chocolate chips. Tonight I'm going to be doing a little housekeeping, yes.

I have to admit that I'm already missing the fluffy little white sock, which is, okay, embarrassing. Somehow in the space of those three days, I grew a little attached to it. Every time I poked my head down into my purse, there it was, waving fuzz back at me. My purse can be a minefield for an unwary hand, what with keys and knives and pens and pencils. You're never quite sure if you'll come out with your credit card or a gaping flesh wound. It made a nice change to be able to reach in and feel something soft, warm, and fluffy nuzzling up against your fingers, right before you got stabbed through the fleshy part of your finger by a rusted toothpick. It was like owning a wallet-sized cat.

In fact, I think when I get home tonight I'm going to put the sock back in my purse. I shall name him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy.

***

I went to get my very first flu shot yesterday. I've never had one before. Normally, my flu motto is along the lines of, "If it's worth getting sick, it's worth aaaack---!" This year, I've been ordered by several doctors -- none of them mine -- to get a flu shot Right Now.

I've been, I'll admit it, reluctant. Volunteering for needle pricks that push stuff in instead of sucking stuff out is not really high on my list of thrills. Unfortunately, it's the nature of my job to know a great many doctors, many of whom are acutely interested in my well-being. After presenting my point of view to yet another curious doctor and subsequently enduring the fourth irritated soliloquy demanding how it could be possible I'm smart enough to breathe, I started to think that maybe they were serious about me getting that flu shot.

As a diabetic, I am apparently one of those high-risk folk that are first-liners for the flu shot in lean years. Yesterday, there was a flu clinic at the Mountain View Kaiser clinic. Since I'll be seeing one of those irate doctor clients of mine next week down in the Cow, I made a point of going in to get it done.

Remarkably painless. Beyond a residual soreness this morning, I would hardly know I had it done. Yes, I've obviously been a bit of a baby about the whole thing. I would like to note for the record however, that nurses who have been administering flu shots for an entire day tend to lose their senses of humor pretty early on.

Nurse: "Have you had a flu shot before?"

Me: "No."

Nurse: "Never?"

Me: "I'm a virgin."

Nurse: "I actually don't need your sexual history."

Me: "No, I mean, I've never had a flu shot before."

Nurse: "I see. Are you allergic to eggs or chicken?"

Me: "What?"

Nurse: "Eggs or chicken. Are you allergic to chicken or--"

Me: "Which one first?"

I think it was at this point the nurse started to dislike me.

Nurse: "ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO--"

Me: "No. I'm not allergic to eggs or chicken."

Nurse: "Are you allergic to latex or rubber."

Me: "Full body?"

I think she might have been a little unnecessarily rough with the needle jab. Anyway, I've had my flu shot, just like a grown-up. I didn't even cry.

Didn't get a lollipop anyway. Security's mean.

***
From: Sako
Date: 11/12/03
Subject: erasmus

st erasmus is frowning upon me.
for as long as i´ve owned my body, i still have no idea as to how it works. i feed it regularly, i make it exercise, and on those special occasions, i even wash it.
that´s why i don´t understand why it randomly decides to expel every food product i offer it...and not to mention from every orifice known to mankind.
it´s a mystery.
maybe i should go to the clinic this afternoon.

take care everyone.
love,
sako

most recent border crossing tip: pick up hitchhiking border crossing police. they carry VERY large machine guns. you´ll be safe from thieves and they show you how to get through the border without dealing with all the bureaucratic bull.

days on the road: 40-ish
accidents: 2.8
encounters with ´civil servants´: 7
bribes payed: 1 @ $180.00 USD, 1 @ $10.00 USD, and 1 safety belt citation @ 80L (about $5 USD -what a hassle that one was!)
missing limbs/ health report: 0/ i´m getting a root canal and crown in el salvador. i´ll let you know how that one goes.
number of fights: 0
car has broken down: three times. something about a clogged air way. PCV was changed. does anyone know much about chevy beauvilles?
days w/o showering: so far the longest has been 19 days. i showered yesterday and even washed my hair.
please send: bean-o

---

From: Sako
Date: 11/14/03
Subject: foreign dentists

sako´s brief dental history:
-7 years ago a filling fell out of my second to last upper left molar.
-6 years ago i decided to go to the dentist to get it fixed. the morning of the appointment, i was chewing on an apple and a big piece of my tooth broke off. i canceled my appointment.
-2 years ago i decided that four years of tooth pain was ridiculous and that i needed to go see a dentist.
-last year i went to see a dentist. he told me that i needed not one, but two root canals and two crowns. it would cost me roughly $3500.
-yesterday i walked into a dentist in santa tecla and the dentist, dr. rafael, told me the same as the doctor last year. the good thing is if i were to have it here, it would only cost me $250 per tooth.

few of you know about my fear of the dentist. they´re just teeth! why do i need to pay unnecessary money to a masochistic oral hygienist who´s just going to cause me more suffering?! it was inevitable that sooner or later, i would have to face painful facts and get my teeth fixed. as it has been about 6 years since i have chewed from the left side of my mouth, i thought it was a good amount of time i had spent procrastinating.

so, it needed to be done. fine. i´ll bite the bullet and get it done. it´ll be more exciting to get it done in a foreign country! maybe they´ll bless me with a chicken sacrifice and kill the pain with an exotic root elixir!
an adventure! yes, that´s how i should face it. an adventure. eek!
dr. fernandez gave me a little more than 2 minutes to make up my mind.
fine. do it. just give me full sensory deprivation.
´we have only novacaine and local anesthetic´.
WHAT?! are you mad?! no wait sako, calm down. $250 a tooth. just remember, $250 a tooth. fine. do it.

poke poke. does that hurt?
gururgawk! (F*%K!)
oh sorry. i just have to put this syringe in your mouth. it won´t hurt...much.
GUERBL...GAFAW!!! (oh my gawd my brain is going to burst!)
oh, did that hurt? all the pain will be gone soon. i have given you very strong anesthetic.
garf...fblath... (i´m drooling uncontrollably from the side of my mouth!)

three conscience hours later, my neck and jaw were so sore that i couldn´t think straight. no matter how much anesthetic dr. fernandez had injected into my gums, i was still flopping around in the chair like a fish out of water. at that point, the surges of pain overcame me. i closed my eyes and let the tears flow.
i think that scared him. he quit at that point and told me that two of the roots were especially difficult to get to and that he was going to make an appointment with a specialist.
three hours and i hadn´t even gotten one root canal finished. what have i gotten myself into?!
remember, this is supposed to be an adventure.

dr. francisco jose pinel colindres, ´the specialist´, was a wonderful dentist! after confessing my fears of oral pain, the sound of the drill, and seeing horse sized syringes entering my mouth, he guaranteed me that my visit with him would be like a walk in the park.
yeah right!
he spoke the truth. with the chest of his lab coat pressed against my right cheek, i could smell the sweetness of fruit candy on his breath and fabric softener on his collar. his breathing was slow and steady which in turn dictated my pace of breathing. and the most calming part of it all was the that his voice was identical to garrison keillor´s. soothing and comforting, like the ideal grandpa.
it was almost totally painless.

i return tomorrow to dr. francisco jose pinel colindres for my second root canal. i have to see dr. fernandez for my crowns next week. i´ll let you know how it goes.

days on the road: 43-ish
accidents: 2.8
encounters with ´civil servants´: 7
bribes payed: 1 @ $180.00 USD, 1 @ $10.00 USD, and 1 safety belt citation @ 80L (about $5 USD -what a hassle that one was!)
missing limbs/ health report: 0/ i stepped on a rusty piece of metal. it made its way through my sandal and into the bottom of my foot. i´m going to the clinic to see if i need a tetanus booster.
number of fights: 0
car has broken down: three times. something about a clogged air way. PCV was changed. the car has been rattling lately. stalling too.
days w/o showering: so far the longest has been 19 days.
please send: good books in english.

***

Posted by yhirata at November 14, 2003 10:12 AM