Asian Tact Deficiency Syndrome (ATDS)

ATDS (Asian Tact Deficiency Syndrome) n. A condition most commonly associated with immigrants from the continent and sub-continents of Asia, wherein accepted social etiquette is brutally mugged, beaten, and left for dead by a tendency towards catastrophic bluntness.

Indications and Predispositions: Despite its name, ATDS is not a syndrome exclusive to Asian ancestry. Asian ancestry has the most demonstrable predisposition towards the syndrome; however, documented cases have been reported in all racial types and nationalities. ATDS is most frequently diagnosed in first-generation immigrants, although statistical data is insufficient to identify any trends correlating infection rates with generational distance from initial immigration.

Symptoms: Characterized by elasticity of the lower mandible; limitation on vocabulary; abrupt, occasionally chaotic speaking patterns; inability to reconcile social behavior with accepted standards; increased vocal volume, perhaps associated with hearing loss; retardation in the ability to interpret body language.

Treatment: None known at this time.

Survivors and victims: It is important for family members and friends to know that people afflicted with ATDS do not experience any pain. Due to the curious affect of the disease, people who suffer from ATDS are, in a majority of cases, completely unaware that they display any symptoms. In this context, it is more accurate to call friends, family and coworkers of the ATDS-infected as "victims," as it is to their support structure that the burden of the disease often falls.

People in close proximity to ATDS sufferers should know that person-to-person transmission of ATDS itself has less than a .001% success rate. Due to the peculiar nature of ATDS, it is usually impossible to make an ATDS sufferer aware that s/he is displaying symptoms characteristic to the disease. The ATDS sufferer is usually convinced that any verbal manifestations (symptoms) of the disease are solely motivated by her desire to assist her victim in some shape or form, usually by pointing out personal details or flaws in the victim that might otherwise have escaped notice. This is done to assist the victim with personal improvement.

With that in mind, the recommended reaction to ATDS fits is to ignore them. If medication has been prescribed to the victim for ATDS-adjustment, it should be taken as quickly as possible.

Representative Case Studies:

Case 1: Chinese female, late 30s, Winter 2005

(Interview taken by Yuhri.)

Interviewer's preface: the interviewee is a married Caucasian female who works remotely, several hours away from the primary office. Due to the distance of her commute, she only comes into the office very infrequently. The following details an incident that occured during one of her rare visits to the main office. All relevant names have been stripped from this interview under the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) of 1996.

"Oh my God. Yuhri. You'll never believe what ***** just said to me."

"What?"

"I was walking down the hall, and ***** was walking towards me, and she stopped and stared at me and said, '(Interviewee)! You have gotten so FAT!'"

"Oh my GOD." Interviewer's note: At this point, I regret to say, I burst into highly unprofessional laughter.

"I couldn't believe she even said that to me. What am I supposed to say? 'Yes, thank you. I've been working on it. I'm glad you noticed?'"

Interviewer's note: I was unable to respond, being reduced to tears.

Case 2: Russian female, age unknown, date unknown

(Interview taken by Yuhri.)

Interviewer's note: The interviewee in question is a married Caucasian female in her late 20s/early 30s. Identifying details have been removed from this case study to comply with the HIPAA Act of 1996.

"So I was at my husband's company party, and his boss is married to this -- anyway, I was a little afraid of her because you never know what she's going to say next. I run into her and the first thing she says to me is, 'So what is wrong with your body?' And I'm like, 'what?' because that just came out of the blue, you know? And she actually says to me, concerned, 'There must be something wrong with your body, or else you would already have children. Is it your uterus? Is there something wrong with your uterus?' And she bends over and actually reaches out with her hand like she's going to check my uterus right then and there. I jumped back so fast--"

Case 3: Chinese female, late 20s/early 30s, date unknown

(Interview taken by Yuhri.)

Interviewer's note: The documentation in question is narrated by the interviewee. Identifying details have been removed from this case study to comply with the HIPAA Act of 1996.

Monday, I gave the Firecracker a belated birthday present. "I couldn't find the one I originally meant to give you," I apologized. "I hope this works out."

I got her a hat at Macy's, a red wool felt job with a curved brim on one side and a floppy thing on the other. "A hat's such a personal thing. I mean, not all hats look good on people. I know that on my head---"

"Oh, hat. It is good. I look very nice in hats." She slid it on and regarded me complacently. It was true. She looked cute.

"Looks good," I congratulated. "They never look good on me."

She inspected me with a critical air. "It is because your head, it is too round and big. See?" She dislodged the hat and put it on my head, where it perched (several sizes too small) like a party favor on a bowling ball. She shook her head sympathetically. "It looks terrible. It is much better on my head."

Which was undeniable. But. "Great," I said, weakly. "I'm glad you like it."

Case 4: Asian female, nationality unknown, age unknown, date unknown

(Interview taken by Yuhri.)

Interviewer's note: The interviewee is a married Caucasian female in her late 20s/early 30s. At the time of the account, the interviewee was several months pregnant and employed at a large multi-national company. Interview was taken over the phone. Identifying details have been removed from this case study to comply with the HIPAA Act of 1996.

"Yuhri?"

"Hi, (name withheld)! How's it going?"

"Is there something wrong with the way I look?"

"What?"

"When you last saw me. Did I look okay? I wasn't freakishly hideous or anything, was I?"

"No, of course not. You looked gorgeous."

"Okay."

"Um, why?"

"My coworker, (ATDS sufferer, name withheld) she saw me and asked if I was having a boy or a girl. I said, 'girl,' and she nodded and said, 'oh, that explains it. Girl babies always steal your beauty.'"

(Blank silence.) "I'm sorry. Say that again? She said what?"

"That girl babies steal your beauty."

"Uh ... huh."

"But I didn't look hideous or anything, right?"

"No."

"Okay. I just wanted to make sure...."

Case 5: Asian female, Cambodian, age unknown, date unknown

Case note: Anecdote happened to staff member Yuhri H. Identifying details have been removed from this case study to comply with the HIPAA Act of 1996. Details have been lifted wholesale from her journal, (c) 1997-2006.

Yesterday he [Editor's note: "Heisenberg," the staff member's imaginary cat. NB: refer Mrs. Hirata for psychological review] accompanied me to my first wedding dress fitting, riding comfortably atop the massive marshmallow of white satin and dry cleaning plastic. The shop was one recommended by a pair of coworkers, who had taken their own wedding gowns there and been pleased by the result. The web site seemed to suggest a professional entity possessed of at least some gravitas, an illusion composed as much by the suggestion of clothing racks and store fronts as (I'm ashamed to admit) the pictures of white people staffed as tailors and customers.

The reality was a cross between a sweat shop and a 100 square foot mobile home, manned by a small flock of southeast asian women who were collectively oppressed and bullied by the fiery little shop owner. As the best English speaker in the business, she tyrannized over her seamstresses and customers, cowing both with high-handed arrogance.

Heisenberg fell in love.

He followed her around the store with his tail curled over his hips while I stood on a pedestal in gallons of white satin, labored over by a tiny little woman who spoke in a whisper. "... ... ... bustle?" she asked me.

"What?"

"... ... a ...?"

"A what?"

"What kind ... ...?"

"Okay," I said, baffled.

The little seamstress stared at me helplessly until the boss woman stormed by. "Pin it up!" she shouted. "You no just standing there, show her!"

Meekly, she began to fuss over my rear end again.

... to no avail, of course. After the boss dispensed with two customers, bitterly fulminating on the idiocy of one and upbraiding a smiling, bewildered employee because she underbilled another -- "This sleeve take four hour! You charge only twenty-five dollar! That not enough for one hour, even. You have to work extra, extra, you no doing to customer like this. I am boss, I know, you ask me first! You know nothing!" -- she descended on me like a fury and repinned everything, disposing of my seamstress in a froth of irritable criticisms.

"Too much fabric here," she fulminated, (jab jab jab jab) jabbing with the pins. "Dress maker, know nothing." So much for Jessica McClintock. Self-serving and sycophantic, I agreed in a small voice. It seemed safest.

An hour later, I was permitted to divest myself of my dress, and was manhandled into a chair to sign my estimate. "This much," she announced. "I give you discount. Your dress, it obviously not cost much, I not charge you much because it so cheap."

Heisenberg writhed in a hairball spasm of glee. Not being invisible and imaginary, I throttled my mirth. "Do you want cash or check?" I asked shakily.